The maniacs did it; they finally really did it! This week the mad scientists at the National Institutes of Health announced that they would no longer fund the use of apes in scientific testing. That means that the chimpanzees, which you and I bought and paid for with our tax dollars will spend the rest of their lives just lazing away their time like simian welfare queens.
I say to the government: Take your stinking paws off my damn dirty apes! I don’t know who gave those elitists with their advanced scientific doctoral degrees the right to tell us what makes for good science. I may not be able to tell you what good science is but I know it when I see it. And smoking chimps look like good science to me. They tell us that we can’t learn anything from testing on apes and then in the next breath tell us we shouldn’t experiment on them because they are so similar to us. Make up your minds!
I’ve never bought that we had much in common with monkeys- except maybe for those Occupy hippies. It’s probably all their idea to “redistribute” our monkeys. Sounds like the Soviet Union to me. What kind of San Francisco “equality” do they have planned for these monkeys, acting like they are just our hairy brothers? I bet the 99% think that the fact that chimps are 98% the same as us means we shouldn’t use them however we want.
Who cares that we are 98% the same genetic make up. I don’t even know what a gene is! But since when did something being like something else count and us being completely unqualified to make an informed decision stop us from making them? Things are like other things all the time. I have a Sage Green fleece jacket. I’m not going to grind it up and put in my turkey stuffing this Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, I’m not even sure those monkeys are Christian. I think this is all another front of the war on Christmas. You know where those chimps come from, don’t you? Africa. I bet they can’t even come up with long form birth certificates.
Let’s be honest, we all know that monkeys are good for only one thing other than testing toxins on- chimp hand ashtrays. And since we know from all the reputable tobacco research done on them that smoking isn’t really bad for us (that’s just a scam perpetrated by the Nanny State), I want me one of those things for all my butts. Besides, you can’t trust these chimps. I know because I read that story, The Monkey’s Paw. One minute someone’s giving you some awesome monkey paw you might make into an ashtray, the next you’ve found yourself wishing corpses back to life. Nothing good about those monkey hands, I tell you.
Don’t call me inconsistent! I can be inconsistent all I want. It’s my right as an American and we have a proud tradition of complete inconsistency. I’ll covet and cringe from monkey hands all I want. I’m not a slave to your logic!
The real thing we should all be afraid of, though, is the clear sinister machinations of the HSUS and that vegan George Clooney, Wayne Pacelle. We all know what his agenda is. It’s to serve under the yoke of our monkey overlords, eating tofu. In his vegan nirvana we’ll all be footmen to those bears he’s keeping us from shooting in Maine who will be armed with all the guns he wants to take from us along with our foie gras, while we feed peeled grapes to all the pigeons that he wants to keep legitimate sportsmen from shooting by the thousands in Pennsylvania. Do you know how fast pigeons reproduce? Two pigeons turn into four million in just sixteen months. Hand to God, it’s true. If we weren’t shooting them we’d be waste deep in them. Sounds like Pacelle heaven to me.
Well, I want my monkeys in shackles, like God intended. Maybe Wayne “Ape Apologist” Pacelle wants us going down the slippery path to the Planet of the Apes, but not me. Even if the picture of an orangutan riding a horse seems pretty funny, we all know who came up with Planet of the Apes. A French guy, that’s who. ‘Nuff said. Like we needed any more proof that setting these chimps free so that they can take away our jobs and undertake massive voter fraud was a bad idea.
You may think this is all crazy talk, that there’s no proof of any of this and I’m just making up weird unsupportable claims intended to frighten the uninformed and maintain the political status quo. Goes to show what you know- I am the uniformed! I couldn’t come up with this stuff on my own! I get it from patriotic sounding organizations created and funded by a tiny handful of stinking rich guys and corporations who know best what I should believe and aren’t afraid to tell me or take me down at the knees if I disagree. And if they tell me that anything the HSUS or scientists do is bad, I’m going to believe it. And I’m not going to let reality get in my way. Or let you have it get in your way, either.
p.s. Thanks to whoever the blog commenter I swiped that Clooney line from is! K